It’s hard for me to comprehend the first time I was ever concerned about my own drinking was about 15 years ago! It’s also hard to comprehend I wasn’t much older than my eldest child is now….
This moment stands out so clearly in my mind that sometimes I feel like I may have kept on drinking just to forget the pain I felt right at that very moment.
It was Christmas morning and I was alone with my two young children watching them play with some toys that Santa had brought.
It suddenly dawned on me how lonely and frightened I felt. I had nobody to talk to and nobody to share that special moment with. Their pudgy little faces, only really toddlers at the time, without any real idea of what was going on. I had found myself a single parent. How had this happened. How gullible and naive I had been, how naive I still was. The pain of feeling alone, I believe, is one of the deepest and most gut wrenching.
I sat at the kitchen table…they played..8:10am..the frosty Christmas morning sun shining through the patio doors of our flat. We would soon be going to my parents for Christmas dinner. I would have to pretend to be happy. Never show weakness, it’s not what we do. Head high, getting on with it.
I poured a glass of vodka. I was 21 years old.
Sober Day 7