So, here I am starting again, Again! It has become pretty apparent to me now (at the ripe old age of 37) that a common theme has wound it’s way through my life.
A theme of wanting, wishing, waiting, starting and then.. Stopping! Never following through on any decision.
Even when it comes to disciplining my wonderful children, to their amusement and my detriment, I never follow through.
Quiting smoking…. I’ve done that very successfully 6, yes, 6 times!!
I started and paid alot of money for a college course to further my very boring career 3 times! Yes the same course! “Insane” I hear you say…hmmm yes agreed.
Money, blogs, college, career, boyfriends, diet, religion, hobbies….all the same.
Now, I have read enough self help books to know the reasons behind all of this, and I’ve known them for a very long time.
Fear, anxiety, self loathing, nerves, guilt, shame, worry…
I’ve also realised something this past two months, well actually I’ve known this for a long time so let me rephrase… I have admitted something to myself over these past two months and that is that alcohol and cigarettes have fuelled these awfully painful emotions the.whole. time.
I’m sure I started drinking and smoking to be part of the cool gang, to feel important and mainly to be liked and fit in. I’m 100% sure I was an anxious child and that through my teenage years I lacked any real confidence, but here’s the thing – I continued to use substances like a crutch.
I grew dependent on them for support and I never gave myself the space to grow into a confident, contented adult.
The adolescent anxiety increased so much that it’s taken me more than 20 years to admit I have a problem.
Not your typical stereotype alcoholic or addict that’s portrayed in the media. It hasn’t lost me a job or a home or my health BUT it has most definitely stopped me becoming the true ME. The person I dreamt of being “when I grow up”
This makes me sad and I don’t want to feel sad anymore. I don’t want to be grumpy, anxious and wracked with guilt anymore.
I am quitting the booze…once and for all. I’ve had it. I’m strong, surely I’m strong enough to forgo a chilled icy glass of my favourite tipple on a Friday night?
I haven’t had a cigarette in more than 3 months which is something to be very proud of, the booze has always caused me to start smoking again in the past. My best friends, always hand in hand. Well not anymore!!!
I’ve just had my first non alcoholic beer while changing the name of this blog and writing an admission to the world…not yet my family or my friends but isn’t that how it’s done these days 😀
No more starting and stopping, I hope!
Sober Day 6