So I haven’t written in a couple of weeks, I would love to say that it is because I have been so deep in my mission that I hadn’t thought to write but that would not be a real representation of things, and what good would cheating myself do?
The first two weeks of the journey were fantastic, like every new commitment/resolution things start out full of positivity and hopefulness. I mediated every morning and got on my mat every evening. As the days wore on I grew tired. Being back to the rat race and suffering 12 hour work days, coming home to cook and clean and try to fit time in to spend with family were (and still are) exhausting me. Things started to lag. My energy was drained.
We went to a birthday party on Saturday night and I had planned to have a glass of wine or two and get home early after the meal. Obviously my will power was also lagging! I drank more than planned and the next day swallowed me into oblivion. I felt like I had failed and quickly realised this journey I am on is one of solitude. It is lonely because people don’t understand. “Have another drink!” – “No thank you I’m fine” – “What’s wrong with you?” – “Nothing, I just have to get up early tomorrow, a lot to do” – “Ah come on, you’ll be fine” ……. and so on and so on.
I don’t want to burst into a rant about how I want to quit what doesn’t serve me and how I am trying to live more mindfully. Most of my circle would think I had lost my mind!
What I have learned about myself over the past few weeks (and I suppose this is actually all a learning exercise of self discovery!) are:
- I am too concerned about what others think of me and my choices
- I am a spiritual person
- I want to heal and lead a fulfilling life
- I have a “gut instinct” a voice deep inside that acts as my moral compass so to speak. I should listen to it more!
Struggle is real folks! The teaching it brings is only found by leaning into that struggle, sitting with it, holding it, getting to know it, understanding it with non judgment and compassion and brutal honesty.